Baby Madness - Part 3

Date Unknown

I can't remember exactly when it was, but I had called my friend & stylist Megan to book a hair appointment for my mother-in-law for Mary. Mary has had virtually the same hairstyle since Tyler could remember and I really wanted her to get away from her blonde from a box. When I booked the appointment Megan said something weird like "well can you just let her know that when I go on mat leave I won't be able to do her hair then?" And I was like "why are you pregnant?" She said yes, but that she didn't know how to tell me cuz she was worried about hurting me due to the miscarriage. Of course I was uber elated for Megan as she knew she wanted babies before I did. She just had to get her life in order before she could start trying.

January - August 2008

I continue to work on my businesses though I struggle a lot with the working part. I am very much a night owl and struggle with my lack of structure, sleeping either ridiculous hours or staying up all night. I don't know what I am busy with, but seem to be busy all the time. I'm not making anywhere near the progress or money I want to with my businesses & yet I haven't hung out with my friends who are at with their babies nor have I watched the pile of movies I was sure I'd have time to watch. I tend to pimp out my time to anyone who needs me...going to Medicine Hat to help my brother with his custody issues with his now ex-girlfriend. House sitting for my parents in February to keep my sister company...or however my family and friends need me.

I joined "Independent Achievers," a group for women in business who meet monthly for networking, etc. In the summer they didn't have any luncheons I could make it to but they had an annual golf tournament. I had/have zero interest in golf but wanted to attend the dinner to meet the group. I also helped wherever I could at the tournament, doing the putting contest. I really liked the ladies I met that night and looked forward to the next luncheon in September. I also won a tea goodie basket that was so exciting as I am a Tea fanatic.

I also went to Celebration, the 2nd convention BeautiControl has, in Dallas the long weekend in August. I again had a fantastic time, listening to great women talk and meeting many many fabulous women at different stages. I even had my picture taken with two of the executives of the company that I love. When I returned home I didn't have the same momentum I had when I came back from the first convention. Not sure what was missing but certainly something was.

My sister who was now 18 signed up for BeautiControl and I travelled to Grimshaw to help her with her first spa party. I also wanted to throw my parents a huge anniversary party for their 20th but it ends up being not that well planned as I had wanted. Guess I get to save it for their 25th! At the spa party for my sister, a good friend of my mom's Sandy Friesen, tells me that I'd make an excellent motivational speaker. Her compliment warmed me so much and planted a seed that I wanted to do so much more than what I can do with a party company. I still love my products for Home & Gift and BeautiControl but in a way it seems like level one and I want to be on level one hundred! My ambition and my action don't match at this point though.

Sept 23/08
I turned 26 and still haven't gotten pregnant.

September 2008

My aunt phones me to tell me her news. Her 16 year old son Bryson and his 18 year old girlfriend are expecting. She of course if a little freaked about it (she'll be freshly turned 40 when baby is born) but knows there are worse things than a baby. She's a pretty modern parent and is better at loving than punishing. She's also my favorite aunt and I got to spend a lot of time with her when I was younger. I could tell her anything I am sure. My brother also has lived with her pretty much since he turned 16. Anyway, she confesses that she was worried about telling me. I figured she meant because I tend to be more straitlaced and rule abiding than most of my family...however she meant because of how we are pregnant and now her 16 year old is. I'm not sure if it's sad or ironic or what but that hadn't really occured to me.

I had been so worried about being too focused on getting pregnant that I had completely forgotten to even really be trying. Tyler & I haven't really been doing anything that helps us get pregnant (like tracking cycles, etc) and sometimes when he's home on the weekends we don't always get around to doing it...ya know? Though the moment he leaves I'm like "ugh, why didn't I tap that" LOL And yet I continue to be surprised that I'm not pregnant yet. I truly am a complex beast.

I attended two baby showers in one weekend. One for my friend Megan & one for my high school friend Brandy. When I went shopping for the two of them I managed to bump into a girl that used to be a friend in high school is was also pregnant.

October 2008

I find out that my brother in law & his baby mama are pregnant. I've blogged about it but basically I was quite upset. The night Tyler told me I started bawling. It just felt like a huge, huge...something. I don't know what the word is. Whatever I was feeling I didn't want to feel it anymore. So I did something I'm not too proud of, I called a friend of mine who I know smokes pot and asked her to bring some over. I am not a pot smoker. I've done it less than a handful of times in my whole life. It's not that I am ashamed of the pot smoking in general so much as the addictive behavior to numb feelings I didn't want to deal with. That's how people create strong addictions to alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately but luckily the pot didn't really help. I felt okay for a bit and then it all came back in less than an hour. And it tasted gross. The desperation I feel feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I think it's because Tyler doesn't seem bothered by all this at all. I feel alone in the way I feel about it because he doesn't understand it. It's not jealous or 'keeping up with the jones" or a biological clock. At least I don't think so. It's some other feeling that I can't identify.

In an effort to be happy for Kim & Tyrone and be a better Aunt, I borrow my niece Kira for a sleepover. That is a full blog in itself! Though I wish I had done it right away because I'm sure I've forgotten many gems. When I picked up Kira, my new friend Jenn told me she had a message for me. Jenn is a channeler so I was excited to hear what she had to say. When I was able to meet with her she told me that although Tyler & I are slightly blocking the pregnancy with our lack of intention (normal minor stuff) there is actually a bigger reason why we haven't conceived yet. Nothing physcially with us, but that there is some things that need to be in place in the world before I can have this baby that I am suppose to. She said it could happen tomorrow but it could be like 4 more years. I'm not sure my mental state will last that long!

October/November 2008

Everytime I turn around someone new is pregnant. At least that's how it feels. My lovely friend Danielle who produces adorable children (evidence: Hudzyn) is expecting her second. Yay! I'm pretty sure it's okay that I tell people that...

The same week Danielle told me her news, another friend of mine told me she was pregnant with her number two. And to top that week off, one of the characters on my show Dexter, figures out she's pregnant!

I also started hanging out with Tyler's step-cousin's wife who is pregant. She actually had her baby on Thursday night: a baby girl Addison.

My lovely friend Megan (the stylist) had her adorable boy Alexander Gabriel a few weeks ago.

Nov 19/08

I find out that another close friend of mine is expecting. This isn't unexpected as I was aware that she was trying but still feels like a huge "UGH another one". I know this person might be reading this eventually so I want her to know "Much love and blessings!" It's not that I don't want others to get pregnant, I just want to too! So last night on the phone with Tyler I was like "okay I am sick of other people getting pregnant and I want to get serious about this." To which my ultra sensitive husband kindly responds with a "well get to it then" type attitude. Thanks honey, jeez. However he is not helping the situation by working out in Hinton right now. I considered getting in a vehicle and finding my way to Hinton and having non-stop sex until i'm pregnant LOL Not in a real way but in a like already then, lets get down to business way.

Right now I feel so torn. Feeling very selfish for wanting to get pregnant and have a baby when I don't have my shit figured out. It has been about 11 months since I have "worked" at a day job. I'm feeling very much like I have done nothing for the last year but I know that's not true - it's just the critic in me talking. I had a very nice talk with my Mother in Law Mary about how I have grown and progressed this year. It's really hard right now because...well some of you might not know, but I suffer from clinical depression. Not always a straight forward 'depression' like most would think of but more of a irritablity, negativity, lack of energy, very emotional, etc. Being home all the time certainly isn't helping as I have little structure to remember to take my pills and I think the pills helped big time to help me feel more stable. How sad is it that I know the pills help but I have a hard time even taking them?

I'm usually really open but it's taken me a long time to write a blog about the miscarriage stuff. By the way, I totally hate the word miscarriage. To me it's like an outdated swear word. Does it have another name I can use? I think I'm looking for some really great advice. Maybe I should offer a prize for the winner? I've gotten some advice but I'm looking for something that resonates with me really deeply. I think I am going to try to meditate and look inward for some answers.

I don't know what I want to do with my career life right now...I am in limbo. Limbo is a horrible and fantastic place to be! Horrible because you are neither here nor there, fantastic because it has so much opportunity in it. I think that is what's holding me back. I don't want to throw away this opportunity to do something incredible fulfilling, amazing, special...tonight I volunteered at the Taste of Red Deer (part of the Festival of Trees). Lots of details, but it boils down to I had a really awesome time when I was able to work the ticket booth, talking to people and selling them tickets. I'm sure there is some kind of answer in that but I don't know what it is. Retail would be an obvious one but I don't think it's the answer as retail isn't consistently busy and it pays like crap. I'm a material girl. Stay tuned...