The Great Debate: To find out or not to find out

I feel like I've been getting a lot of flack for my/our decision to go ahead and find out our baby's gender at our ultrasound rather than waiting for the traditional delivery annoucement. It seems for everyone one person who agrees with me, there are 3 that are venomously against it). For my entire baby making life, I have never really considered NOT finding out. It just seemed natural to me that you would find out if you could, after all I am an information junkie. So the fact that I seem to only associate with non-finder-outers surprised me and I decided to see what the world of the internet seemed to say. The very first debate board I found had one women's write up that I really enjoyed. Here's an excert...

Danielle Friedl "Here's the thing: it doesn't matter if you find out at 20 weeks or 40 weeks - it's still going to be a surprise! The element of surprise has never ranked very high in my world because in essence - I like to be in control. And in pregnancy and childbirth there is very little, if anything, you can be truly in control over. Obviously this is a decision that every couple needs to make on their own and there is no right or wrong answer. The beauty of making this decision is that you aren't causing any harm to your unborn baby whether you find out their gender or not. That being said, the only reason not to find out earlier seems to be the act of surprise following the actual birth, whereas knowing the gender halfway through the pregnancy has many benefits. And back to that silly old element of surprise. Having found out I was carrying girls in each of my three pregnancies I was very excited and, yes, surprised at about 17 weeks when I found out. I also have to say that upon delivery I was still highly excited to meet my daughters but i felt that I had already formed a bond because I knew what I was having. I can also report that friends and relatives who decided against finding out were not more or less thrilled. Perhaps a few were a little less prepared, and maybe one or two were unfortunately not so pleasantly surprised, but the thrill level seems to be the same. You still count fingers and toes, you still ask if it's healthy. I suppose the difference in each of my cases was not asking 'What is it' but asking 'It's a girl, right?' Hey - those sonogram technicians have been known to make a mistake or two!"

I personally don't equate gender as the biggest jackpot of having a baby. It's one of many things that make my child who he or she is going to be so I feel like I still have PLENTY to look forward at the delivery. When someone says to me that there is no light at the end of the tunnel if you know the gender I wonder "Is meeting your child not the most exciting part?" Even with a gender your visualization of what they will look like is only a guess so you have no idea what your baby will look like, feel like...who they are going to be.

One of my friends, who just had a baby boy in November thought she was having a girl until the u/s tech told her differently. My friend, Megan, said she was shocked and a little disappointed to find out it was a boy. All her life, when she visualized herself with a baby she had seen a girl and it had, for some reason, never occured to her that it could be a boy. Since she found out, she had time to come to terms with the fact that he was a boy, and bond with her baby as a boy. Now she of course loves him like that is what she was always expecting! However, if she had not found out and continued to feel as though it was a girl the whole time, and bond with a the baby as a girl, it would have been quite the shocker to get the "It's a Boy!" announcement after being in labor for 40 hours...mix in the exhaustion, hormones and post postum and that could be quite the experience.

Danielle B "I think that finding out the sex is a great thing though, it just made me even more excited to meet my little girl. Also, with all the chaos that is happening in the hospital when you are delivering and the endless nights that follow, it kind of makes it easier because everything is mapped out! We had her room done and everything picked out for her and even had her name going into the hospital. I think that was the best thing for us, but to each their own and everyone is entitled to how they want to do things, but no matter what, it is always special once they enter this world and then you know that there is no turning back!"

Clair Kernaghan "Sure, finding out the sex of your baby before birth may make planning for the baby easier, you can paint the room the right colour instead of yellow, and you can pick out all the right clothes and have absolutely everything ready for your baby's arrival. But the bottom line is you are going to get all that done anyway so why do it all before the baby comes and work your pregnant butt off, sit down, relax and enjoy being pregnant. Even though a new baby is stressful and a busy time, trust me, you will still find time to paint the nursery, and go shopping for even more pink/blue clothes. "

Okay, this Clair lady is trying to make a case for "no" but she just convinced me yes. It's the whole "why put off for tomorrow what you can do today". I figure if I am exhausted now, pregnanct, I don't expect to be bouyant & full of energy when I have a new born that sleeps sporadically and cries and is desperately in need of my attention. But yeah I'll just stop & go paint a baby room in the middle of it LOL

Some of the major "no"s come from people who didn't have the option in their time. I can't help but feel that they think its unnatural because they couldn't do it. Despite their opinion if you should find out or not, everyone seems to feel they should tell you what they THINK you're having. I'd love for some know-it-all to say "oh you're carrying this way so you're having a girl" and for me to say "hmm, an ultrasound machine begs to differ" LOL

One of my friends who had a baby in May, knew she was having a boy despite not finding out. So started buying boy things and didn't even consider that she might be having a girl. Luckily she did have a boy, but is a mother's instinct always right? I think what you "want" usually influences your "instincts".

The biggest reason everyone totes is the "thrill of anticipation". For us that thrill and build up is happening for the ultrasound on April 23rd. I can't imagine it would be any more or any less whenever you find out. There is a still a "magical" moment where you can start picturing your life with a baby girl or a baby boy rather than just this imaginary baby that seems to exist in you.

It all boils down to personality I think. My friends that agree with me, and have found out, have the same personality as I and they have not for one second regretted their decisions. So I think I'm safe...I'll let you know in 6 months or so LOL

Nicole Lepke "My husband and I tried desperately to conceive for two years, before getting the miraculous news of our impending little arrival. Waiting that long for the conception alone to happen, we certainly didn't want to wait another 9 months to find out what God was blessing us with. I was nervous on the day of the ultrasound only because I thought the baby would be uncooperative and in a position where the ultrasound tech wouldn't be able tell. We didn't have a preference as to having a boy or a girl, but just that the baby in there was growing and developing and looked like he or she had all of his or her parts. (I could even live with an extra toe!) Finding out the sex of our baby was by far the most exciting event my husband and I have ever witnessed. The tech put the cold gel on my ever expanding stomach, rubbed the wand in the goop, and there on the screen our miracle came to life. It made the long-awaited pregnancy all the more real to us. We identified with our little child inside of me - our little boy. He was no longer just our unborn baby, but our son, whom we could name. Our son, whom we could sit for hours and fantasize about who he would look like, what kind of little boy he would be and what kinds of mischief he would one day get into. We decided to keep his name secret, so there would still be a little surprise at the end for all of our family and friends."

There does seem to be some give and take on the gender & then name sharing. Those who find out then might choose to keep the name a secret for the element of surprise for the announcement. Those who don't know the gender might have more fun sharing at least their name possiblities with others.

http://www.helium.com/debates/130647-should-you-find-out-the-sex-of-your-baby-before-birth