So I rang New Year’s in with a delightful bang. Sarcasm. Sometime after midnight I ended up getting into an argument with my brother-in-law. I’m going to lay out what happened & I’d love for you all to weigh in with your thoughts.
So Kira (my 4 month old niece) woke up crying because she needed both a diaper change and to be fed. Kim, her mom, handed Kira to Tyrone (the dad & my brother-in-law) to go change her while Kim got the cereal ready. So Tyrone is a pretty big guy, he’s about 5’10” and weight somewhere near 300 pounds. Kira was crying and we could hear Tyrone shaking the bed (her thus her) to try to get her to stop, which only made her cry harder. This isn’t the first time he has shaken her when she was crying in an attempt to get her to stop & the sound of her interrupted crying was really bothering me and Kim. Kim went upstairs to tell him to get out & she’d change the diaper. I could her him tell her “If she’s going to cry I’ll give her something to cry about”. Nice, especially considering she’s 4 months old. So he comes barreling done the stairs bitching “fine, fucking spoil her then. She needs to learn to settle down before we change her”. Last I checked babies cried as a form of communication.
So when he sat back at the table where we were playing cards (Me, my husband Tyler, and Mary my mother-in-law) I said “it’s not right to shake your baby”. He started arguing with me, saying that as long as the neck is supported it’s fine, that he knew his baby’s limits, that it takes a lot to hurt the baby…etc. I argued back that it doesn’t take as much as you think, that you can’t know the limits cuz even scientists don’t know, and why take the risk? Check your ego at the door and do what’s best for your baby. The arguing escalated until we were basically screaming at each other. At this point Mary screamed at us “Enough. You’ve each said what you have to say now leave it. You’re not even listening to each other. If he hurts he’s baby he’ll have to live with that.”
I was flabbergasted. Tyler, Mary & Kim had all said earlier that weekend that they didn’t agree with the baby shaking and none has spoken up or stepped in to support me when I did. So I said “doing nothing is the same thing as encouraging it”. She says “well I’ve told him what I think and that’s all I can do. So should we keep arguing & just be a dysfunctional family?” Bullshit. I totally lost respect for her there. Why wouldn’t you do everything in your power to convince that person not to behave that way? Especially when your granddaughter’s life is at risk?
I was so mad & frustrated that I was shaking. I had a million things running through my head that I wanted to say, but she had basically closed the book. I started to cry with frustration, and the table was silent as we finished our game. Tyrone went to his room, Mary left for a smoke and Kim came down with Kira wondering what was going on. I tried to explain best I could but was still crying. Tyler tried to make me feel better but it didn’t work.
Mary came back in and pulled Tyrone downstairs where they started looking it up on the internet. I could here Tyrone repeating what he wanted to hear “as long as the head is supported” so I was getting more mad. He’s so ignorant and pig-headed. A long time later we went to bed & Mary and Tyrone were still talking. I have no idea of what conclusion was come to as we didn’t talk about it since then. I just hope he considers what I said. Most importantly I see this act not simple as a single event but as an indication of what may come in the future. If Tyrone can not control his frustrations or strength now what will be done the road?
One site says “Normal interaction with a child, like bouncing the baby on a knee, will not cause SBS, although it's important to never shake a baby under any circumstances because gentle shaking can rapidly escalate,” and another “The repetitive nature of the act suggests a lack of self-control or rage indicating the real possibility of previous or future abuse,” confirming my fears.
So Kira (my 4 month old niece) woke up crying because she needed both a diaper change and to be fed. Kim, her mom, handed Kira to Tyrone (the dad & my brother-in-law) to go change her while Kim got the cereal ready. So Tyrone is a pretty big guy, he’s about 5’10” and weight somewhere near 300 pounds. Kira was crying and we could hear Tyrone shaking the bed (her thus her) to try to get her to stop, which only made her cry harder. This isn’t the first time he has shaken her when she was crying in an attempt to get her to stop & the sound of her interrupted crying was really bothering me and Kim. Kim went upstairs to tell him to get out & she’d change the diaper. I could her him tell her “If she’s going to cry I’ll give her something to cry about”. Nice, especially considering she’s 4 months old. So he comes barreling done the stairs bitching “fine, fucking spoil her then. She needs to learn to settle down before we change her”. Last I checked babies cried as a form of communication.
So when he sat back at the table where we were playing cards (Me, my husband Tyler, and Mary my mother-in-law) I said “it’s not right to shake your baby”. He started arguing with me, saying that as long as the neck is supported it’s fine, that he knew his baby’s limits, that it takes a lot to hurt the baby…etc. I argued back that it doesn’t take as much as you think, that you can’t know the limits cuz even scientists don’t know, and why take the risk? Check your ego at the door and do what’s best for your baby. The arguing escalated until we were basically screaming at each other. At this point Mary screamed at us “Enough. You’ve each said what you have to say now leave it. You’re not even listening to each other. If he hurts he’s baby he’ll have to live with that.”
I was flabbergasted. Tyler, Mary & Kim had all said earlier that weekend that they didn’t agree with the baby shaking and none has spoken up or stepped in to support me when I did. So I said “doing nothing is the same thing as encouraging it”. She says “well I’ve told him what I think and that’s all I can do. So should we keep arguing & just be a dysfunctional family?” Bullshit. I totally lost respect for her there. Why wouldn’t you do everything in your power to convince that person not to behave that way? Especially when your granddaughter’s life is at risk?
I was so mad & frustrated that I was shaking. I had a million things running through my head that I wanted to say, but she had basically closed the book. I started to cry with frustration, and the table was silent as we finished our game. Tyrone went to his room, Mary left for a smoke and Kim came down with Kira wondering what was going on. I tried to explain best I could but was still crying. Tyler tried to make me feel better but it didn’t work.
Mary came back in and pulled Tyrone downstairs where they started looking it up on the internet. I could here Tyrone repeating what he wanted to hear “as long as the head is supported” so I was getting more mad. He’s so ignorant and pig-headed. A long time later we went to bed & Mary and Tyrone were still talking. I have no idea of what conclusion was come to as we didn’t talk about it since then. I just hope he considers what I said. Most importantly I see this act not simple as a single event but as an indication of what may come in the future. If Tyrone can not control his frustrations or strength now what will be done the road?
One site says “Normal interaction with a child, like bouncing the baby on a knee, will not cause SBS, although it's important to never shake a baby under any circumstances because gentle shaking can rapidly escalate,” and another “The repetitive nature of the act suggests a lack of self-control or rage indicating the real possibility of previous or future abuse,” confirming my fears.
If you are interested in learning more check out the following links:
http://www.dontshake.com/
http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/medical/brain/shaken.html
http://aboutshakenbaby.com/
http://dawn.thot.net/brain/baby.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaken_baby_syndrome#Prevention
Scary situation. I can’t believe that it would even escalate into an argument!!! All he had to do was change a diaper. I am appalled. As a mother, I have had babies crying for no reason and most of the time I was alone. I didn’t have anyone downstairs to turn too. I would have never shaken my babies. Left them alone to cry, yes. It is just safer that way. Everyone gets frustrated with a crying baby.
ReplyDeleteThey don’t know to what degree of shaking one would have to do, to do damage. What type of damage? Do you want a mentally challenged child or one that can’t learn to read or even worse? It could be a small shake that can give your child a learning disability for the rest of their life. You’re the adult and you are the one who can walk away. I can’t believe that his mother would not step in and take action. There is something she can do he obviously needs some type of slap in the face.
I was previously the vice president of the LABIS (Brain Injury Society). All it takes to get a brain injury is a small bump. Like hitting your head on the car door, it is the small things that affect you like forgetting your keys. It could be a result of a brain injury.
Thanks for your comments, it's nice to get support from someone, even if it's not at the right place at the right time.
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