That Hypnotizing Idiot Box

Television. Both my best friend & my arch nemisis. At less than the cost of Starbucks each day I get access to an unlimited supply of mindless (& sometimes educational) entertainment. My love/hate relationship:

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  Love that it's cheap,


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  love that it isn't affected by the weather,


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  love it doesn't require 100% of my attention so I can exercise, scrapbook, clean etc while watching,


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  hate that I often GIVE it 100% of my attention,


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  love that it can be done by yourself or in a group,


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  love that thanks to my PVR I can watch awesome stuff whenever I want,


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  hate that thanks to my PVR I tend to watch much, much too much because I can tape it for later times so I end up watching stuff I probably wouldn't if I didn't have it,


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  love that it, somewhat, keeps me up to date on world happenings,


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  love that it makes me laugh,


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  hate that it makes me cry,


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  hate that it's impossible to shut off,


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  hate that it sucks away my motivation,


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  love that it brought me such amazingly awesome shows as the Office, Pushing Daisies, Sex & the City...


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  hate that it broght me shows such lame &/or disturbing shows such as South Park, Trailer Park Boys, Kink...

I'm sure I could think up tons more, but then I'll be spending time on the OTHER hypnotizing idiot box! What are your love/hates of TV?

Non or Less Monetary Gift Ideas

Not into the whole materialistic side of Christmas? Personally feeling the 'poor economy' we keep hearing about? I've been hearing a lot of people feeling broke these days and wanting to avoid the typical overspending splurge that is usually Christmas. However, I love to give and receive gifts so I was looking for alternative gifting options. I can't remember which site(s) I got this ideas from but I thought these were some of the best ideas out there.

• Buy a used book and in the inside cover explain why you chose the book for that person.
• A hand made recipe book would be a good idea. A compilation of old family recipes from your family, and your friends' families.
• Adopting a polar bear, snow leopard or giant panda in the name of all my friends and family members from World Wildlife Fund.
• As an another idea, try www.oxfamunwrapped.com. It allows you to send a gift to the 3rd World and depending on your budget you can buy chickens, blankets, radios, right up to a travelling theatre!
• A couple of years ago I did a calendar for the family with everyone's photos and birthdays. That was a big hit.
• Just try make a spiritual gift, not material, not an object. I prefer doing something - singing a song, writing a poem - for a person. Plus a little beatiful card, because most people want to "have something in the hands," it's just a habit.
• Give something you don't use any more (re-gift). A sweater that you only wore once; a set of drinking glasses you forgot you owned. Clean them up and give them as gifts. I have found all sorts of things in my apartment that I have no need for, but know someone who would appreciate and enjoy it!
• Create coupons for a massage, spring cleaning, child-minding, manicure, etc. Babysitting coupons for the new parents.
• I am making several batches of biscuits ("cookies" your side of the pond!) and boxes from some lovely dark red recycled card.
• If you are skilled in a particular area, offer a lesson or class.
• Collect quotes that make you think of someone.
• Fill an old trunk or suitcase with fun clothing, hats and gaudy jewelry for your children to play dress-up.
• Do something exciting and challenging together (e.g., long walk, bike ride, hike, art course).
• Write and illustrate a book for the young people in your life.
• Create a menu of various culinary delights (e.g., Tantalizing Thai, Mexican Fiesta, etc.) and have the gift recipient choose one of the options.
• Sponsor a child.
• Subscriptions.
• Save an acre of rainforest.
• Create a unique gift basket full of the recipient's favorite treats. Instead of stocking the gift basket with store-bought items, fill it with homemade Christmas candy, cookies and perhaps a personalized ornament.
• Make homemade gifts that express your talents. If you can sew, do carpentry work. If you are an excellent cook, use those talents to create unique gifts.
• Some sort of experience such as dinner theatre tickets, concert tickets, a sleepover, etc.

Source: Unknown.

Adorable Chihuahua Imperial Shih Tzu X Female Puppy

Okay meet Ali. Super, super cute. I totally want her...she'll be about half the size of my current puppies when she gets all grown up. I wonder if I could convince Tyler to buy me her for Christmas LOL Only $600!

The Duggar's

If you're not sure why this is funny...look up the "Duggar Family".

Baby Madness - Part 3

Date Unknown

I can't remember exactly when it was, but I had called my friend & stylist Megan to book a hair appointment for my mother-in-law for Mary. Mary has had virtually the same hairstyle since Tyler could remember and I really wanted her to get away from her blonde from a box. When I booked the appointment Megan said something weird like "well can you just let her know that when I go on mat leave I won't be able to do her hair then?" And I was like "why are you pregnant?" She said yes, but that she didn't know how to tell me cuz she was worried about hurting me due to the miscarriage. Of course I was uber elated for Megan as she knew she wanted babies before I did. She just had to get her life in order before she could start trying.

January - August 2008

I continue to work on my businesses though I struggle a lot with the working part. I am very much a night owl and struggle with my lack of structure, sleeping either ridiculous hours or staying up all night. I don't know what I am busy with, but seem to be busy all the time. I'm not making anywhere near the progress or money I want to with my businesses & yet I haven't hung out with my friends who are at with their babies nor have I watched the pile of movies I was sure I'd have time to watch. I tend to pimp out my time to anyone who needs me...going to Medicine Hat to help my brother with his custody issues with his now ex-girlfriend. House sitting for my parents in February to keep my sister company...or however my family and friends need me.

I joined "Independent Achievers," a group for women in business who meet monthly for networking, etc. In the summer they didn't have any luncheons I could make it to but they had an annual golf tournament. I had/have zero interest in golf but wanted to attend the dinner to meet the group. I also helped wherever I could at the tournament, doing the putting contest. I really liked the ladies I met that night and looked forward to the next luncheon in September. I also won a tea goodie basket that was so exciting as I am a Tea fanatic.

I also went to Celebration, the 2nd convention BeautiControl has, in Dallas the long weekend in August. I again had a fantastic time, listening to great women talk and meeting many many fabulous women at different stages. I even had my picture taken with two of the executives of the company that I love. When I returned home I didn't have the same momentum I had when I came back from the first convention. Not sure what was missing but certainly something was.

My sister who was now 18 signed up for BeautiControl and I travelled to Grimshaw to help her with her first spa party. I also wanted to throw my parents a huge anniversary party for their 20th but it ends up being not that well planned as I had wanted. Guess I get to save it for their 25th! At the spa party for my sister, a good friend of my mom's Sandy Friesen, tells me that I'd make an excellent motivational speaker. Her compliment warmed me so much and planted a seed that I wanted to do so much more than what I can do with a party company. I still love my products for Home & Gift and BeautiControl but in a way it seems like level one and I want to be on level one hundred! My ambition and my action don't match at this point though.

Sept 23/08
I turned 26 and still haven't gotten pregnant.

September 2008

My aunt phones me to tell me her news. Her 16 year old son Bryson and his 18 year old girlfriend are expecting. She of course if a little freaked about it (she'll be freshly turned 40 when baby is born) but knows there are worse things than a baby. She's a pretty modern parent and is better at loving than punishing. She's also my favorite aunt and I got to spend a lot of time with her when I was younger. I could tell her anything I am sure. My brother also has lived with her pretty much since he turned 16. Anyway, she confesses that she was worried about telling me. I figured she meant because I tend to be more straitlaced and rule abiding than most of my family...however she meant because of how we are pregnant and now her 16 year old is. I'm not sure if it's sad or ironic or what but that hadn't really occured to me.

I had been so worried about being too focused on getting pregnant that I had completely forgotten to even really be trying. Tyler & I haven't really been doing anything that helps us get pregnant (like tracking cycles, etc) and sometimes when he's home on the weekends we don't always get around to doing it...ya know? Though the moment he leaves I'm like "ugh, why didn't I tap that" LOL And yet I continue to be surprised that I'm not pregnant yet. I truly am a complex beast.

I attended two baby showers in one weekend. One for my friend Megan & one for my high school friend Brandy. When I went shopping for the two of them I managed to bump into a girl that used to be a friend in high school is was also pregnant.

October 2008

I find out that my brother in law & his baby mama are pregnant. I've blogged about it but basically I was quite upset. The night Tyler told me I started bawling. It just felt like a huge, huge...something. I don't know what the word is. Whatever I was feeling I didn't want to feel it anymore. So I did something I'm not too proud of, I called a friend of mine who I know smokes pot and asked her to bring some over. I am not a pot smoker. I've done it less than a handful of times in my whole life. It's not that I am ashamed of the pot smoking in general so much as the addictive behavior to numb feelings I didn't want to deal with. That's how people create strong addictions to alcohol and drugs. Unfortunately but luckily the pot didn't really help. I felt okay for a bit and then it all came back in less than an hour. And it tasted gross. The desperation I feel feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. I think it's because Tyler doesn't seem bothered by all this at all. I feel alone in the way I feel about it because he doesn't understand it. It's not jealous or 'keeping up with the jones" or a biological clock. At least I don't think so. It's some other feeling that I can't identify.

In an effort to be happy for Kim & Tyrone and be a better Aunt, I borrow my niece Kira for a sleepover. That is a full blog in itself! Though I wish I had done it right away because I'm sure I've forgotten many gems. When I picked up Kira, my new friend Jenn told me she had a message for me. Jenn is a channeler so I was excited to hear what she had to say. When I was able to meet with her she told me that although Tyler & I are slightly blocking the pregnancy with our lack of intention (normal minor stuff) there is actually a bigger reason why we haven't conceived yet. Nothing physcially with us, but that there is some things that need to be in place in the world before I can have this baby that I am suppose to. She said it could happen tomorrow but it could be like 4 more years. I'm not sure my mental state will last that long!

October/November 2008

Everytime I turn around someone new is pregnant. At least that's how it feels. My lovely friend Danielle who produces adorable children (evidence: Hudzyn) is expecting her second. Yay! I'm pretty sure it's okay that I tell people that...

The same week Danielle told me her news, another friend of mine told me she was pregnant with her number two. And to top that week off, one of the characters on my show Dexter, figures out she's pregnant!

I also started hanging out with Tyler's step-cousin's wife who is pregant. She actually had her baby on Thursday night: a baby girl Addison.

My lovely friend Megan (the stylist) had her adorable boy Alexander Gabriel a few weeks ago.

Nov 19/08

I find out that another close friend of mine is expecting. This isn't unexpected as I was aware that she was trying but still feels like a huge "UGH another one". I know this person might be reading this eventually so I want her to know "Much love and blessings!" It's not that I don't want others to get pregnant, I just want to too! So last night on the phone with Tyler I was like "okay I am sick of other people getting pregnant and I want to get serious about this." To which my ultra sensitive husband kindly responds with a "well get to it then" type attitude. Thanks honey, jeez. However he is not helping the situation by working out in Hinton right now. I considered getting in a vehicle and finding my way to Hinton and having non-stop sex until i'm pregnant LOL Not in a real way but in a like already then, lets get down to business way.

Right now I feel so torn. Feeling very selfish for wanting to get pregnant and have a baby when I don't have my shit figured out. It has been about 11 months since I have "worked" at a day job. I'm feeling very much like I have done nothing for the last year but I know that's not true - it's just the critic in me talking. I had a very nice talk with my Mother in Law Mary about how I have grown and progressed this year. It's really hard right now because...well some of you might not know, but I suffer from clinical depression. Not always a straight forward 'depression' like most would think of but more of a irritablity, negativity, lack of energy, very emotional, etc. Being home all the time certainly isn't helping as I have little structure to remember to take my pills and I think the pills helped big time to help me feel more stable. How sad is it that I know the pills help but I have a hard time even taking them?

I'm usually really open but it's taken me a long time to write a blog about the miscarriage stuff. By the way, I totally hate the word miscarriage. To me it's like an outdated swear word. Does it have another name I can use? I think I'm looking for some really great advice. Maybe I should offer a prize for the winner? I've gotten some advice but I'm looking for something that resonates with me really deeply. I think I am going to try to meditate and look inward for some answers.

I don't know what I want to do with my career life right now...I am in limbo. Limbo is a horrible and fantastic place to be! Horrible because you are neither here nor there, fantastic because it has so much opportunity in it. I think that is what's holding me back. I don't want to throw away this opportunity to do something incredible fulfilling, amazing, special...tonight I volunteered at the Taste of Red Deer (part of the Festival of Trees). Lots of details, but it boils down to I had a really awesome time when I was able to work the ticket booth, talking to people and selling them tickets. I'm sure there is some kind of answer in that but I don't know what it is. Retail would be an obvious one but I don't think it's the answer as retail isn't consistently busy and it pays like crap. I'm a material girl. Stay tuned...

Baby Madness - Part 2

Early 2008
Since we had gotten pregnant so easily the first time I really expected it to happen very quickly again. However the circumstances changed as Tyler quit his local job and got a job out near Edmonton at the beginning of 2008. He was/is only home on weekends now which can really effect timing. I started really obsessively taking pregnancy tests all the time which are ridiculously expensive by the way!

I think possibly in January, I found out that my friend Allison was pregnant and due on the same day I had been given. My first, very irrational thought was "bitch stole my baby!". Very irrational cuz 1) Allison is so far from being any kind of bitch & 2) obviously she couldn't possibly have stolen my fertilized embryo and put it in herself nor would she want to if she could.

Another friend/acquantance of mine, Robin, was pregnant too. She was due in May.

Jan 22/08
Still quite bothered by the miscarriage and all the baggage it comes with I wrote the following:

Miscarriage is…
…failure.
…delayed gratification.
…my fear awakened.
…torture for my lack of patience.
…undiscriminating.
…unfair.
…depressing.
…a wedge in the relationship.
…a gavel stopping my happy news.

Feb 28/Mar 1 Weekend

I was very fortunate to travel to Dallas, Texas for a BeautiControl convention. I had gotten into the BeautiControl business sort of by accident and decided to go to the convention at least for the benefit of being around a great bunch of successful women. I never expected to be so blown away by everything and so inspired. I came back practically flying and ready to throw myself into business instead of worrying about getting pregnant.

When Tyler & I had gotten engaged it had been after a long time of me badgering him about it. After that experience I had vowed to myself that having babies would not be the same. I didn't want to pressure Tyler into it in any way (which I was successful with I believe) and I didn't want to pressure my body into the actually conception. Plus I thought if I could just forget about it and having fun with the "trying" part (wink wink) then it would more naturally happen. One of the great benefits I've found with being off my birth control is that my sexual appetite came back after a long hiatus (I think Tyler would say it's a benefit too LOL). So I spent March & April going hard with BeautiControl.

May 3/08

My brother's baby Chaise was born. Pretty exciting stuff! Unfortunately I don't have the relationship or contact with him that I desire. Still working on it though...the most important thing to me is that I don't give up.

May 4 - May 12/08

Tyler & I went to Greece! Amazing time, amazing place. If I hadn't miscarried I would have been approximately 5 months pregnant. I'm believe everything happens for a reason and man those airplane seats would have been even tigher if I had a baby in me! That being said I thought it would have been really cool to tell my baby that he/she was conceived in Greece. What I hadn't anticipated was how tired we both were going to be on the trip from site-seeing etc. We only managed to 'get it on' once I believe and definitely didn't get pregnant from it. However we did manage to have a fabulous vacation and at the risk of sounding like people who annoy me...strengthen our relationship.

May 27/08
My becoming more of a friend and less of an acquantice Robin had her beautiful baby boy Kagan. His features are so small!

Baby Madness - Part 1

Okay so my baby craziness deserves it's own entry :-D Prepare yourselves, as my desperation isn't pretty! :-D

Oct 17/07

Alright so on October 17th I had a phone appointment with a psychic (blogged!) in which I had wanted to ask if I'd be able to physically have children. I've always been worried at the back of my mind, that that challenge would be mine to bear. Before I even had a chance to ask she told me that I'd be having them soon. And that I'd better be sure before we started trying as it wouldn't take me long to get pregnant. That night Tyler & I went out for our 7 year Anniversary (we celebrate our "official" dating anniversary as well as our wedding anniversary). At dinner I discussed what the psychic had said with Tyler. I had been sort of working on him to have kids for a few months. I have always been a little antsy about having kids as I'm not really a "mom" type of person. I've never been one to ogle over babies or children. In fact I'd take a puppy over a baby in terms of cuteness. I think this came a lot from having such a big age different between my siblings and I. I had really felt like I had gone through "raising" kids and was pretty realistic about what it entails unlike some people who have build fantasy worlds around it.

However, two pretty close friends of mine had had babies recently, one in August & one in September and they seemed to be surviving it. My younger brother had also found out that he was expecting a baby which made me think "if he can be excited about becoming a father than Tyler & I should be able to handle it". We are certainly old enough and had all the things you want to have in place first: jobs, home, vehicles, marriage, etc. Tyler isn't big on doing things just cuz it's the thing to do or cuz everyone else is doing it so he had to be convinced it was right for us. I managed to convince him with the fact that we didn't have prescription coverage and I'd have to pay for my birth control pills from then on LOL I had just bought another month's worth though so he insisted on me starting and finishing that pack first. It was really important to him though that we weren't "trying" per say as he knows I am very 'type a' and could go a little crazy with each passing month that might go by without a pink plus sign on a stick. So roughly four weeks later we were "letting happen what happens".

Nov 28/07

A woman from HR that I had never met before showed up unexpectedly at my office. She asked to see me privately and I got really nervous wondering what I was getting in trouble for...it hadn't occured to me that her visit was related to the restructing happening in our government office. Turns out the Regional Office for Insurance that I was working in was being 'abolished' (lovely word isn't it?). I had work until the end of December and then if I wanted, I could accept a position three levels lower in another department in Lacombe. It was the same position I had started in with the company three and a half years earlier and was supervised by a woman I really didn't care for. I wasn't really happy in my job but had gotten comfortable - expecially as I liked the people I worked with. After discussing it with Tyler, I decided that I didn't really want to stay with this company anymore. Although my future employment was uncertain I was really excited for the opportunity to do something new & exciting.

Dec 14/07

It was Friday night & I was on facebook (as I always was then) and had typed in "Crystal has a secret" under my status. I didn't really have a secret but I was looking for a response from a particular person about something (long, very silly story - don't ask). My friend Shelley noticed my status and being one of the few who knew about our baby plans messaged me to ask me if I was pregnant. I jokingly wrote back "no i don't think so, but i'll go pee on a stick to find out". I had a test in my bathroom so did the whole urinate thing but set it aside as I was getting ready to go out at the same time (& facebooking): we had plans that night to go out for dinner with my two couple friends Kyla & Michael and Shelley & Scott (yes the one who had messaged me). Well mid message, and five minutes later, I casually turned over the stick and was shocked to read "Pregnant". Shocked because I had just had my period less than two weeks prior and we had only been sexually active sans birth control for like 4 weeks! I was like "wait - does pregant really mean pregnant?" cuz that didn't really make sense with the information I had. And it wasn't even one of those + or - it was one that ready "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" I ran to the bathroom to review the informational package, searching for a clue to how I could really be pregnant. Most research would have me being ovulating at this point in the cycle, not pregnant!

Needless to say we were very surprised/overwhelmed and in shock. We hadn't expected such quick results but I was pretty excited about it. I went to the doctor's office to confirm it (as maybe the drugstore stick was wrong) on that Monday and the doc was a little surprised too. But yep we were pregnant and given an estimated due date of August 28th (making me only like two weeks pregnant). Well I've never been good at keeping good news to myself, so despite not intending to tell ANYONE I had told quite a few people (some co-workers, Kyla & Shelley, my mom who point blank asked me, my hair stylist friend who i had an appointment with...etc).

Now I can't remember the exact dates of the week for the following but...I ended up having some pretty sharp pains in my side/pelvis area. I avoided going to the doctor (ignorance is bliss!) but after complaining the whole day, having severe pain all night, my boss lady Cynthia insisted that I at least go to the walk in clinic. The walk in doc thought it was pain from my uterus stretching (at 2ish weeks??) but said we could do an ultrasound to make sure everything was all right and that it wasn't an eptopic pregnancy (fertilited in the fallopian tube - very dangerous). The ultrasound was going to take a month to schedule until I explained how important it was and I got in for the next day @ 1pm. My pains were pretty intense the next morning and probably worsened by the fact that I was trying to drink ship loads of water. Thank goodness Tyler was able to leave work to come to the ultrasound with me as he was working in town then. The technician couldn't see anything and then decided to do an internal ultrasound too (horrible by the way when you are already in pain down there). She called a doctor in & they whispered back in forth (thanks guys). Then I was told I could go get dressed. When I dressed I noticed some spotting and knew that was not a good sign.

The doc came to tell Tyler and I that they couldn't see any baby on the monitor but observed fluid that could be a sign of an ecptopic pregnancy. They told us to go to the emergency @ the hospital. Tyler & I was pretty confused and worried as they didn't do a great job of explaining anything to us. Especially when the doctor said "oh it should be okay. they might have to remove one of your fallopian tubes but you'll still have the other!"

Emergency wasn't much better. I was taken to a bed with very little explanation and Tyler was told he had to wait in the main waiting room. Someone eventually came and took my blood and I was asked if I had every had surgery before. Then left on my own. A good hour later I finally asked if I could at least get my husband at this point and/or wait in a chair as I didn't need to be wasting a bed. They went and got Tyler & we waited again. Then they moved us to another room and waited. Still with no information. I kept trying to find out what was going on: was I waiting for surgery, did they know what was wrong?? No one really seemed to know anything or be able to tell me anything. Finally at about 5:30pm (yeah 4 1/2 hours after my ultrasound appointment) we went into a room with a doctor. He told me that the blood test was for a quantitative test to see how my much hCG (pregnancy hormone) I had. Apparently if you have less than a certain amount (I think it was like 1500) nothing will show up on an ultrasound. My hCG was low, only like 275 or something. Typically it is suppose to double each day at this time so I was told to come back on that Saturday for another blood test to see if we could do an ultrasound to see if anything was wrong.

Saturday, Dec 22/07

At a very early time in the morning (I think it was 6am) Tyler & I went to the hospital. I am not very good at being in the unknown so I wanted to find out what was happening as soon as I could. I had continued to have bleeding over the last few days so was really worried. My parents were up for our Christmas celebration with them so I obviously had to tell them what was going on. I gave blood for another test and we waited the three hours to see what was going on. A pretty young male doctor took us into a room and informed me that my hCG was about 250. So not only had it not gone up significantly, it had actually dropped, indicating miscarriage. I started crying of course but tried to keep my cool and be logical. Afterwards Tyler told me the doctor's hands were just shaking the entire time we were in there. We wondered if it was the first time he'd had to tell something that. The doc said they don't really do DNC's anymore unless they had to, so everything would pass normally like a period and then we could start trying again as soon as we were ready.

A mere 7 1/2 days after finding out I was pregnant I found out I had miscarried. Needless to say this was very much an emotional rollercoaster for me. I hadn't really had time to accept the fact that we were expecting a child let alone adjust to the fact that we no longer were. It was Christmas holidays and I was trying to put on a happy face when I just really wanted to either mourn it or be in denial about it. Part of me wanted to get wasted drunk to drown the feelings but the other part didn't "just in case" the doctors were wrong and I was still actually pregnant not miscarrying. We first were in Saskatchewan with Tyler's very large family and then we went to Medicine Hat with my aunt & her family, my parents, sister, grandma, brother & his undeserving 4/5 month pregnant girlfriend. Undeserving in my eyes, very subjective I'll grant you.

It was tough. Tougher than I wanted to admit. Tougher than I still want to admit. I was lucky enough to be somewhat prepared for the possibility of miscarriage. My doctor on the Monday had told me that 1/4 pregnancies miscarry for absolutely no known reason. However you don't want to be the '1' you know? It took a long time for the miscarriage to complete physically which I didn't really expect. I believe it was into February before I stopped testing positive with at home pregnancy tests and it was really hard for me mentally to wonder if I was re-pregnant or still faux-pregnant. It was hard for Tyler in a different way. I don't know if he really mourned/mourns it the way I do as he didn't feel it the way I did. All he saw was his wife going a little crazy about pregnancy, exactly what he didn't want to happen.

In My Head...

I hate when something gets in my head and won't leave. Most of you have probably experienced this with a song or melody. But have you ever experienced it with a show or movie? The other morning I watched "the Other Boleyn Girl" and I can't stop thinking about it, or rather 'feeling' about it. I felt certain things when I was watching the movie and I can't get that feeling to go away.

My brief synopsis of the movie for those who haven't seen it (skip if you prefer not to know how the movie goes):

The 'true' story takes place around the 1500s and beings with the Boleyn family; a aristocratic type family who has a title but not a whole lot of money. There are two Boleyn sisters, Anne (played by Natalie Portman) and Mary (played by Scarlett Johannson) and the best way to establish yourself or get ahead in this time period is to marry up, using your daughters. The family sees a unique opportunity to become involved with King Henry the XIII (8th) as his wife hadn't given him a male heir.

The original plan was to get the King's attention through Anne, the unmarried and allegedly more devious of the two sisters. However the strong willed Anne upsets the king through a series of events and he ends up falling for the married Mary - a fact that doesn't seem to affect the King. The King invites/orders the family to "court" (I'm assuming this translates to mean his castle) where he proceeds to seduce Mary and impregnate her.

Then, Anne ends up seducing the King herself, convincing him to get an annulment from his current/first wife, seperate from the Roman church to start his own and to marry her. Part of the seduction is that she will give him a legitimate male heir (her sister managed to produce a male but his is a 'bastard' of course). While Anne was successful at getting the King to do this things, it causes him much stress so he ends up resenting her immensly. Anne first gives birth to a female (Queen Elizabeth the First it turns out) but manages only a stillborn/miscarried male before the King accuses her of crimes and has her beheaded....

So, although I believe you are suppose to like Mary's character in the movie, I wasn't much of a fan as I don't really like Scarlett Johansson. I consider her a good actress but for some reason I don't like her (I think I'm jealous of her blondeness and apparent sex appeal). Instead I really resonated with Natalie Portman's character Anne. So her character goes through quite a journey of feelings - the King choosing her sister over her, being exiled by her family to France, being beckoned back to keep the King interested in her sister despite being bed ridden, then wooing the King and bending him to her will so that she can become Queen but having to squash her personal feelings through this. Then what she be celebrated success is not joyful as the King ends up resenting her, having forceful sex, many affairs...then stress over trying to produce a male child with the fear of being burned at the stake or beheaded being the penalty of no heir.

Anne's desperation to produce a male heir reminded me of how I am feeling lately. Certainly not to the same extent! - but definitely some of the same feelings. Tyler & I decided to stop using any sort of birth control and allow a baby (or babies/twins if I have my way) to come about as nature allowed. However this was about a year ago and I am struggling between letting things happen naturally and getting totally crazy about it...I think a previous blog touched on this a bit but I don't think I've given it the blog it deserves. So I'm going to continue it in it's own entry...

What's Playing in My Ipod Right Now...

The music that's making me move right now. A fast way to preview the tunes is to type the artist than song into www.youtube.com Works more often than not :-D


Lollipop - Framing Hanley
Video is hot, hot, hot...
http://www.musicloversgroup.com/framing-hanley-lollipop-video-and-lyrics/

the rest in no particular order...
Poker Face - Lady GaGa
I Don't Care - FallOut Boy
Krazy - Pitbull & Lil Jon
Let's Go - Madison
Sex on Fire - Kings of Leon
I Love the Whole World - Clip from Discovery Channel
Disturbia - Rhianna
You're Gonna Go Far Kid - Offspring
Fun for Me - Portishead & Moloko
Fly on the Wall - Miley Cyrus
Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf
Addicted - Saving Abel
Something in Your Mouth - Nickelback
Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
Green Sleeves - Vanessa Carlton
Machine Gun - Portishead
So What - Pink
Shy - Ani DiFranco
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
Black Tongue - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Paper Planes - MIA
Shake It - Metro Station

Halo - Pinup Saints
Short Download available @ http://www.pinupsaints.blogspot.com/

Front & Back

Hello My Loyal Readers,

So years ago Tyler and I stumbled upon an agruement about a coin. I said on particular side is the front & he was outraged to think that I thought that as he felt the other side was the front. Turns out there isn't really a "right" answer when it comes to the public's point of view. We got married anyway, despite our differing opinions, LOL but he started thinking about it again so I thought I'd blog it & get a poll from y'all. So look at the picture above and tell me, it terms of heads and tails, which is the front for you & what's the back?

I'll post as a comment which one I think is which...please do the same :-D

Caio for now,
Crystal

My note from the Universe...

Of course not everyone understands you, Crystal.
It takes crazy to know crazy.
It takes sexy to know sexy.
And most assuredly, it takes cool to know cool.
The Universe

A New President, A New USA?

I'm not sure why I was more interested in the US election than my own here in Canada. Perhaps because the US takes a full two years leading up to their election "advertising" it. Perhaps because the opportunity was there to create history - first through a so-called 'black' president vs a female president with Obama & Hilary fighting for the Democratic vote and then through either a 'black' president or a 'female' vice-president. Perhaps because I watch a lot more US television than Canadian LOL I'd like to think it's because with the American decision comes an opportunity for change, an option we didn't have when voting here in Canada!

Many people weren't afraid to weigh in with their opinion that the Americans weren't "ready for a Black President". Did race come into play? We'll never know for sure but in some voter's eyes I'm sure it came down to choosing between the devil they knew (McCain - a white old guy like every other president) and the devil they don't. With McCain they knew what they were going to get, the same ol' same ol' whereas with Obama, at least there is a chance for something fresh & new. I myself am very excited to see what Obama is going to do. I haven't really been following their platforms and what they stand for but I did listen to both McCain's concession speech and Obama's victory speech. Both seemed very well writtened and refreshingly intelligent compared to the drizzle I'm used to hearing from BUSH!

However, with Obama's speech, I really felt like I was witnessing the begining of a new world. Deep inside me something registered with my soul, that I was listening to a true world leader and not just a political candidate. I feel our world is changing for the better and that the US voting in Obama is yet another step towards this more harmonized and positive society. I am not giving Obama all the credit for this change, I simply think that by the voters turning out as they did and choosing Obama, they are demonstrating that they are ready to be a new America. It's already being reported that voter turnout is the highest it's been since women were given the right to vote in 1920. Hindsight will always be 20/20 but I hope that I am still rooting for Obama in the 2012 election!

P.S. I couldn't help but notice that Obama & his family were wearing black & red despite being the "blue" party!

If you missed it & want to read Obama's speech in it's entirety, check out:

(text version) http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/politics/6095699.html

or i'm sure youtube and many other sites will have the video ;-D

However, I'd like to highlight a few sections myself for your quick read...

"It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference.

It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be, the United States of America."

"Sasha and Malia [his young daughters] ... I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us ...to the new White House."

"This is your victory. And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. "

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you, we as a people will get there."

"This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were."

"In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long."

"And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have won your vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I will be your president, too."

"America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves — if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can."

Even re-reading it gave me a smile & butterflies around my neck!

My Brother's Baby Mama

Thought y'all might be interested in the endless drama. I've posted our email communications below & would love some feedback. It can get confusing as we are both "Crystal". Just remember that I am Johnson-Nelson & she is Major (as in Major pain in the butt). You're lucky enough to get dates & times too!

Crystal Johnson-Nelson
September 30 at 12:28am
Hey Crystal,I am thinking about making a trip to the Hat as I haven't seen Chaise in forever & I get major guilt pains whenever someone asks me how my nephew is...it's been ages and he is growing up way too fast! Is there a time that works better for you in the upcoming few weeks? And I was thinking it might be fun to take him to like a park or something so would that be possible? Chat with you soon,Crystal - the Absent Auntie


Crystal Major
September 30 at 6:47am
no pretty much anyytime works, next week Blake is with his dad for the week. If yoiu would like yes we can take him to the park. Listen Crystal I've been wanting to talk to your family about the whole situation and well I want all of you guys involved in Chaise's life including his dad but until his dad has cleaned up and proven that he wants to be in Chaises life, I just can't let Cody take Chaise alone. I know at this point most or all if your family hates me but I wanted you all to know my side of the story. I know down here Cody has been telling people I won't let him see Chaise and that he phones all the time to see him and I tell him no. For the record on my side, I have told Cody he can come and spend time with Chaise at my house and I could make myself invisible and sit in my room but I just do not feel safe with letting Chaise go with an addict. That and it has been so long since Chaise has seen his dad there is no way he would know who Cody is. I mean as it stands right now most days I can't leave the room without him crying. I just needed to get some of this off my chest and please tell your mom that I would love for his grandparents to be in his life.


Crystal Johnson-Nelson
October 1 at 5:39am
Okay well I'll keep you posted as early as possible once I nail down some dates.From what I've been told & seen I don't think Cody has tried to do a visit since the child support was figured out? I'm not happy about that but it's his decision that he has to make on his own & live with any consequences from it. I'm hoping he'll sort out his stuff sooner than later and realize what he's missing out on. Don't worry about us "hating" you. We know there are two sides to every story but we also have to be supportive of Cody as long as it doesn't cause Chaise to suffer directly.I understand where you are coming from on the consistency matter and for now I'll leave that issue between the two of you. No matter Cody's involvement, I want to see Chaise as often as possible and keep up to date on his developments. It's a bit difficult as you live 4 hours away but I will keep trying to stay in touch and try to visit (even by myself) as often as I can!FYI - I know my Mom is still interested in being involved but her & my dad are what you could deem "workaholics" and don't travel all that much. I could probably count on one hand how often my mom has been to Medicine Hat since my Aunt & her family moved there so I really wouldn't take that personally if I were you.There definitely seems to be a lot of "he said, she said" happening which I think is the cause of most of the friction between you two. Not uncommon to have that happening in a small town like atmosphere! So...my "big sisterly advice" is to take what everyone says with a grain of salt. And I sometimes think you & Cody need to get some better friends! Ones that will be supportive and helpful and loyal to you guys no matter what, rather than cause drama, hurt feelings and stab you in the back. I've come to find that negatively only causes more negatively and that I need to surround myself with positive people that have my best interests at heart. A true friendship is an exchange of benefits and shouldn't be a one-sided deal :-D So if you find you are evaluating your friendships, make sure you ask, what benefit do I receive for having this person in my life?Ciao for now,Crystal


Crystal Major
October 1 at 8:47am
I have not at any point evaluated my friendships. I know when and why my friends have back stabbed me and in the end I have always known about everything that has been said against me. The friends I have now do have the best interest of Chaise at heart and if it wasn't for them Chaise would not have half the things he has now. But thank you for the advice. I just wish that even if you guys can not make it down here and i do understand the distance between us but I don't see why I have not even gotten a phone call to at least see how he is doing. A phone call or a message on here does not take that much time and I have not even gotten that from anyone. The other thing that bothers me is yes there is two sides to a story but no one has bothered to find out my side of the story.At this point Cody's decisions are not directly affecting Chaise but once he gets old enough to realize that his brother gets to see his dad he is going to start asking questions. And how am I supposed to explain it to him? I am not putting the blame just on Cody but I do feel that he has not shown any real interest in his child at all. I understand how hard it must be for him to have to be around me but he also needs to understand where I am coming from and I have tried to explain this to him but he just got mad and told me that I could explain to Chaise why hes not around when Chaise gets older. This really bothers me because I feel he is leaving all the blame on me and not taking responsibility for his actions whatsoever. Well let me know what dates you will be down and we can arrange something.


Crystal Johnson-Nelson
October 2 at 7:08pm
I'm glad you have some good friends now. It's cruical in everyone's life!hmm, well i feel like i have written you messages from time to time to see how he's doing, granted not often enough. though i really have tried to keep the communication open between us. i can't really speak for everyone but i think you would admit that things are pretty messy between you and cody emotionally so it's difficult for us to know if we should call & all that stuff. or even feel comfortable doing it. and realistically, has your family called cody to hear his side? I'm guessing not as that usually doesn't happen. its an ackward situation all around.i don't think my family is disillusioned by Cody, we're pretty awake to his faults and weaknesses. nor do we really try to defend his decisions that much but even though we don't agree with them we can't force him either. i really want cody to be in chaise's life as i didn't have my biological contributer in mine and it really affected how i grew up and the type of person i am today. i've even tried to explain that to him. i know that it is completely not up to you to cater to cody but please know that he is young for his age and actually younger than you already and obviously you are more experience with children than he is so i think it's more natural for you. males have a harder time building that bond than females. i think he's got it in his mind that if he can't be a perfect father than he shouldn't be involved at all...plus i think he really wasn't comfortable going over to your house to see chaise. not just because of you but because of your roommates as well...i think there's some history there? if it were possible for you to put in more than your fair share of effort i think he would be more involved. i know its unfair to ask... but i only hope that you can try to put your emotions and the past aside and keep trying with cody. i know its not up to you but for the long term benefit i hope you can help us. he responds best to positive reinforcement rather than us trying to push him or threatening him or all that jazz. believe me, i know it bothers him that he hasn't seen chaise in a while..he just has a hard time showing it.and i think with the right guidance he could be a really great dad and a really great support system for you too.i know my aunt darlene loves chaise a lot and would probably want to see him every day if that were possible...just know that we are only human with flaws of our own and we are looking to you to know what the next steps we should take are. i'm also sure that if you ever need a sitter or anything like that, that darlene would be more than willing to help out.


Crystal Major
October 2 at 11:21pm
all I can tell you is that I do not know what to tell the next step is. so why don't you tell me what you want the next step to be? the only thing i know for sure is that as this point i am not going to push cody or even bother to try with cody because i feel i have tired everything i possibly can and i have gotten no where and i do not feel it is my responsibility to make sure that cody sees his son. if he were to decide to be in chaises life i would support that fully but at this point until he can prove that is what he wants i am happy with the way things are going in my life. i do want your family involved in chaises life but i can not justify telling you guys what the next step should be, i feel that is fully up to you.


Crystal Johnson-Nelson
Today at 3:44am
really, this whole conversation started because i want to come spend time with chaise...i personally feel like i try really hard to see everything from your point of view and be fair and as unbiased as possible. even through the mediation process i just wanted to help everyone see all sides. do you feel as though i haven't or have i offended you? please let me know as this is not my intention. and if you think i have the wrong idea about something or don't know the whole picture (re: you & cody) please fill me in.one of my biggest weaknesses is trying to be a mediator or a "fixer" and maybe that's not suppose to be my role in this situation. my whole family is new at this (we don't have any young babies in our world) so we all feel like we are walking on eggshells and don't want to screw anything up. it's extra awkard as we didn't have much of a chance to get to know you before chaise came due to distance and now you & cody aren't together.i guess my question is: what is your comfort level with us? you said you were disappointed that we don't call but i'm not sure how often is appropriate to call & who should be calling? me, my mom, my dad, my aunt, my grandma...it's going to be difficult for us all to build a relationship with one another so if there are some boundries or expectations i'd like to know up front.i'm asking you what you want from us as we are obviously not meeting what you want with our current actions. this probably comes off as offensive but i don't know how else to ask it?


Crystal Major
Today at 7:54am
my comfort level with you guys is fine and really it doesnt matter who phones i mean from what im hearing all of you want to be in Chaises life but no one seems to be making an effort. the only way that you guys are screwing up at this time is by not phoning and not finding out how things are going. i really wouldnt care if someone or all of you from the family phoned everyday. all i want is for Chaise to know the other side of the family. and no you dont know the whole picture but at this time i feel this is mine and codys problem and he is the one that needs to step up the most and realize what hes missing out on. and the rest of you need to know that the only thing that i care about is my sons being happy. the only ohter boundry i have is that i do not under any circumstanceswant you guys to phone me and ask to take him anywhere without having me near by. i dont want to sound rude and ignorant about it but i know that cody will end up around at some point and i would much rather be able to ease chaise into meeting his dad with me there rather then with people he doesnt really know at all. i have no problems with cody coming with you guys to see him but chaise will not be leaving my house until i feel fully comfortable with it.


Crystal Johnson-Nelson
Today at 6:01pm
You know, honestly Crystal, I feel like me & my family are getting the crap end of the stick here. I feel like we have gone out of our way to make you happy & to feel comfortable & to make sure everything is taken care of and we are only getting negative feedback. i'm trying to be logical & unbiased but that doesn't seem to be getting anywhere so:in some ways i understand that you don't feel comfortable with us taking chaise for a couple hours but on the other hand, we are so not criminals so why are we getting treated like that? i don't think we have done anything to indicate that we are untrustworthy or incapable of taking care of a baby...or that we would let any harm come to Chaise. and when i initially wrote i was just asking for myself to visit which lead into this whole chain of emails....also, it's not like cody hasn't met chaise as he has and i don't see how it would be any different for chaise to be with us than with a babysitter or any of your friends. there's always a first time when you meet someone...I think it's a bit difficult for Cody to step up when he is getting threatening phone calls from Corey telling him if he goes near Chaise that he'll get the crap kicked out of him. And no I am not making this up, the moron had the gall to leave voice mail messages on my aunt & uncle's phone. so if corey isn't speaking on your behalf you'd better inform him of that so he backs off.cody isn't any different than he was when you were dating him so i don't know why you are suddenly worried about him being an "addict" or being the father of your child. of course cody isn't an angel but if you're honest you'll admit that neither were or are you. medicine hat is a small place and for every story you hear about cody we've heard one about you. we don't expect you to be perfect so it'd be nice if we were extended the same courtesy. i'm not a big fan of drama, i prefer things figured out and dealt with. i just want to be able to get to know my nephew and for my brother to be able to spend time with his son without worrying about a fight happening (verbal or physical). it really doesn't need to be that complicated. in the last four months i don't think we've seen any emails, pictures or notes from you regarding chaise so it's not as if you have opened the door for us into your lives. i'm really at a loss right now as i think we have taken responsiblity for our shortcomings and that doesn't seem to be enough...

Crystal Major
Today at 7:14pm
i have opened the dorr you may call, email whatever do what you wish i will not withhold contact with him.however at this point in time the only person i trust alone with Chaise is my mother. I'm not offering you anything different then i offer anyone else.

Help!

Okay, so I've been trying really hard to be more positive in life. The Secret, Law of Attraction and all that jazz have been really good to me so far so I want to continue on that path. It would be really easy for me to wallow in my self-pity party about the whole Tyrone-Kim-pregnant thing but I'm tired of ol' Crystal and want to be new & improved Crystal. But I need some help...

I am going to need to be happy for T & K when they officially tell me the news so please help me with some legitimate reasons on why it is a GOOD thing they are pregnant....

Heartbroken

Tonight I found out something expected but also unexpected. Kim, Tyler's brother's "sort of/sort of not girlfriend but they still live together & already have a kid together", is 4 months pregnant.

Apparently if I had gone to Tyler's mom's this weekend as we had planned then I would have found out on Saturday, but we decided to stay home and have some couple time so Tyler found out last night I believe - and then a series of kim's status' on facebook had me wondering. I didn't really think it was true until I point blank asked Tyler & he admitted it. So officially I still don't know as tyrone & kim want to share this "special news" with me directly...P.S. Don't forget that all of you & I don't know about this yet. However she isn't doing that great of job of hiding it (see the evidence of her two status' & one wall message below).

Status, Sep 30 @ 3:02pm - Kim is, yes, again, yes, same guy.
Wall Post by a friend of her's, Oct 1 @ 8:11am (i missed seeing this by 3 hours) - "How far along and when are you due? "
Status, Oct 1 @ 10:18pm - Kim is thinking everyone should know by now...

There are so many micro reasons why this upsets me. Tyler and I have been off any form of birth control since the beginning of November 2007 which is almost a whole year ago and I still am not pregnant. Granted he is only home on the weekends but you would still figure it would have happened by now? I guess I did technically get pregnant last December but I miscarried really early on and feel completely ripped off about that. All around me people have been having babies and getting pregnant and for the most part I have been really happy for them. Tyler & I are still not 100% ready for kids but we fell as though we are as ready as we can be and are waiting for nature to take it's course. The major thought that allowed me to be not upset about everyone else's fertility was that if just Kim doesn't get pregnant before I do, I'd be happy.

Some of the obvious reasons why I felt like this was 1) Kim & Tyrone barely like each other, let alone love each other or are even dating or married or anything like that. They just both want another kid and figure getting one through each other is a good idea as they already share a child. That's messed & don't feel like that's a good reason to have a child. 2) Tyrone isn't working or attempting to earn an income in any way that I respect as he just plays poker and tries to make money that way. That might be fine for some people but when you have no income, are 30, have a child to support and frankly - just aren't that good, than I don't respect that. 3) Both Kim & Tyrone can be stupid, annoying and selfish. And I find them both very immature for their age. I don't feel like they deserve Kira let alone another one!

But basically, one of the not so obvious reasons I just figured out, was that I didn't think this was much of a challenge. I thought it was a safe bet to say, at least if me & my husband can get pregnant before these non-contributing society members who hate each other do than i'm good, you know? And even they beat us to it. And not only that, but are freakin' 4 months along! That's almost half way, so there's like no way for me to catch up.

So that was about five hours ago and everyone is in bed and I can't complain to anyone so i am just stuck with these stupid thoughts in my head...thank God for my blog!

P.S. Don't forget that all of you & I don't know about this yet. However she isn't doing that great of job of hiding it (see the evidence of her two status' & one wall message below).

Status, Sep 30 @ 3:02pm - Kim is, yes, again, yes, same guy.

Wall Post by a friend of her's, Oct 1 @ 8:11am (i missed seeing this by 3 hours) - "How far along and when are you due? "

Status, Oct 1 @ 10:18pm - Kim is thinking everyone should know by now...

Messages from the Universe, An Update

So I signed up on a website to receive daily (weekdays) messages from the universe. They are so awesome & I love them. To give you an idea of how accurate they are for my life, here are my most recent messages on the appropriate dates:

19th - There are really only two conditions of the human mind: Very, very happy. Or about to become very, very happy. Which are you today, Crystal?

22nd - When in a hurry, Crystal, step #1 for changing the entire world, is falling in love with it as it already is. Same for changing yourself.

23rd - By design, Crystal, whenever you have a new dream, or re-commit to an old one, at that precise moment everything in your life is perfectly suited to bring it about even faster than if you had thought of it earlier. You are always where you most "need" to be. (P.S. This was on my birthday, great one for that day as I deal with my age crisis!)

24th - Crystal, it's as if the stars have aligned, the word has been spoken, and you've won the cosmic lottery. This is it! There's never, ever, been a better time for you to touch, teach, and heal millions of people.

25th - Like waves eternally lapping at the shore, Crystal, the Universe is eternally knocking at your door, with abundance and riches beyond imagine.

26th - Crystal, right now, all around you, outside your door, down the street, and in every corner of your world, there's evidence of a conspiracy. All the elements are secretly marching to the beat of your drummer, while casually pretending to be detached and indifferent.

29th - The cards of life are stacked in your favor, Crystal. Overall, you're far more likely to succeed than fail, and to thrive than dive. Don't let the inevitable setbacks get you down. After all, having a Monthly Income is not asking for much!

30th - Don't forget, Crystal, to put a picture of yourself in your scrapbook or on your visionboard! I'd hate to deliver your new Monthly Income to the wrong person.

And for those of you who expressed worry, I am better this 'morning'. I think hormones may have had a bit of involvement last night. Plus I've always been more suseptible to feelings in the night time hours...

In a Funk...

As the title may have tipped you off, I am in a funk. I'm so "funked" that I'm not even sure what my funk is. Sometimes I get in a mood where I feel like I just need a giant, big cry. Not for any particular reason but for all of them.

Getting really personal...

Another item that's in the back of my mind if my brother's life. He's twenty, but honestly a pretty young twenty. We're very different people in most ways: my academicness vs his athleticness, my leadership vs his following, my straight-laced vs his rebelness. I complained a lot about my upbringing but he suffered in an entirely different way than me. My parents were quite strict with me about my life and bedtimes and homework but I was a pretty quick learner and didn't rock the boat much. He was a brat from the moment I first remember him: peeing in plants as a toddler, chasing my friends and I around with golf clubs and knives, and I was stuck baby-sitting him all the time as I was six years older. He seemed to break the rules all the time and get into trouble at school. My mother did the classic "wait until your father gets home" (which I swear I never want to do) and my brother would get spanked when my dad got home. When I think back to those moments I feel completely sick. It really caused me to fear and almost hate my dad which was completely unfair for him. It wasn't until I was gone from home a few years until I was able to start really building a relationship with him. Now there are reasons when I would argue that spanking is good and there are many reasons why it isn't. I think it's important to re-evaluate each situation and each child to figure out how you can help them learn the lessons they need to learn. I guarantee you that my brother didn't learn a single thing from those spankings nor the groundings that they attempted to give. The only purposed\ they served was to drive him away and into the arms of the drug world.

When I left home for college he was a mere 12 years old. He went through the hard teenage years without the benefit of an older sister. As the kind of guy who likes to please and go with the crowd, he fell into the drug scene and moved out of my parents before he was even 16... and across the back alley into a house with a known drug dealer who was almost 30 and another guy who was my age. Eventually he moved to my Aunt & Uncle's down in Medicine Hat and has spent the last 5 years moving back and forth. With the benefit of hindsight and the relationships I have with my brother and sister now, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being there for them during those years. I hated my life in Grimshaw and when I moved to Red Deer in August of 2000 I never looked back. I avoided even visiting Grimshaw for a long time (I called home at thanksgiving and announced i wasn't coming home & they could redecorate my room as I'd never be moving back). I've made some peace with my life there and have gone to Grimshaw more in the last year than I had probably combined for the first 5 years.

So when I look at my brother now I feel like I absolutely contributed to the things he missed out on and where he is now. If I were to grade myself on being a big sister i would definitely give myself a failing grade. I know that he's a chronic pot smoker and I know he's dabbled in other drugs but I have no way of confirming exactly how much he does (he has a tendancy to exaggerate). He got duped by a 24 year old woman and now has a 5 month old to look after...he doesn't have his high school education and he has an uncanny ability to attract losers into his life who take advantage of him. He has a great big heart but doesn't have the self worth built up to take control of his life. I know that he has the ability to choose his options in life but there's a reason that the rich get richer and the poor get poorer in this world. I know he feels stuck in his life and I'm not sure what his way out is...

How do we open the eyes of our loved ones to this great big world? In my family, it's the weirdest thing: we would fight to the death for each other but we have a really hard time saying "I love you" or even hugging each other. In Tyler & my relationship I was often the "guy" in the way that I felt uncomfortable saying how I felt. To this day I struggle with validating my emotions and feeling like they are as important as my intellectual opinions. Sometimes I can be very open, to a fault, but then i also have this invisible barrier that NO ONE gets across. Writing this blog is a struggle, and even now I am not sure it will ever see the light of day...as it is very personal. It's scary to be this personal. I tend to use humor to cover these things.

Like with my career right now. I find myself constantly saying "since i'm not working" or "since i don't have a real job" when really i think i am working just as hard on these things as I ever did. The first time I really started to embrace my self worth was when I got my first job at KFC. I grew a voice there and felt like I finally was finally someone. I guess it was at this point that i equated self worth with making money. I love being an Independent Consultant for BeautiControl and Home & Gift but it's also not completely fulfilling me, especially financially at this point. I've created this high maintenance lifestyle focused on stuff for myself and it's hard to break it. I hate having to ask tyler for money for MY bills and MY life. When people ask me how it is going (which is a common courtesy question) I feel like I need to say "oh i'm making X dollars" for it to be valid. Of course all of these things boil down to my own issues and my perspective. I treat people how to treat me, right? So how do I get my mind in order?

All the important people in my life are saying all the right things. My mom and surprisingly even my dad think its great that i'm doing this. My dad hates "sales people" and he completely respects what I am doing. To the point that he even paid for my flight to my convention in Dallas. Tyler has been supportive in every way imaginable. At the end of August I had a breakdown because I officially had no extra money coming in from being laid off. I felt like I was nowhere near when I thought I would be after working my BeautiControl business for 6 months and that Tyler would expect me to get "a real job" to continue paying the bills.

Tyler was the one who pointed out how much I had done in those 6 months (verus the "nothing" I was critizing myself with) and said he had no problem with me continuing to pursue my independant consulting versus looking for other work. Who could ask for a more supportive husband? However, now I feel a huge weight on my shoulders for how hard he works. It's not like he has an easy job. He lives at his mom's in edmonton for the work week and does ten hour days of physically labor so I can pursue this. And he doesn't even come home to a clean house!

I seem to be busy all the time but I am not sure what I am busy doing...I hate my sleep habits but also don't seem to be able to control them.

With my consultanting work I sometimes feel as though I don't make the cut in a lot of ways - like being consistant or having the drive to get up early on my own. But then in many ways I feel like it is for me and that I want to prove that I can do it so I can lead the way for others. I love my products and I feel passionately for them but sometimes I feel like there is a gap between how I feel about them and how I am getting that across to others. How do I get people passionate about their skin? One of the things that keeps me going is when I get feedback about people loving the products and when I hear about how the products have helped them. My mom has seen improvement in her skin discoloration (noticed by my aunt & grandma), my mother-in-law has less wrinkles, my skin looks healthier and one of my team members had her eczema clear up...

It's really hard for me to look at my successes over my failures...

To add more craziness to my mind is the whole baby issue. We've been off any form of birth control since November. I got pregnant right away in December but had a miscarriage. I haven't gotten pregnant since and in some ways I am thankful for the time to prepare and in others I am completely impatient. I know I will never be 100% ready for children and I know I want to have kids in my life so sometimes it's like "hurry up already universe!" But then I know I'd really have to get my ducks in a row if I had a baby coming...which is partly why I want one. Cuz I work better with deadlines and pressure! I am totally a person who doesn't deal well with not having control over things and I am trying really hard to be blaze about the baby thing and say that everything happens for a reason and that I'll get pregnant when we are suppose to. One of my friends happened to have the same due date I would have if I hadn't miscarried. She had her baby a few weeks ago (she lives in Grimshaw so I haven't met baby yet) and it is completely surreal to think that, that could easily be us. Tyler working out of town complicates matters even more and in more ways than one...getting pregnant and figuring out how to make life work when baby comes.

Ulg, it's late and I don't even know if this blog makes sense. My mind is all over the place, I kind of feel like my mind is swimming in the deep end. It'll be interesting to see what kind of comments I get on this one.

Business Blog Update

For those of you who may have clicked on my blog link, I typo'ed! The website is:
http://spa4yoursoul.wordpress.com

I accidently added a "d" after soul in the previous entry but that's been fixed now.

I am Addicted to Staying Up Late

So I have this stupid, annoying habit of being tired but not wanting to go to bed. Sometimes I just stay up ridiculously late (like 4, 5, 6am) and sometimes I just end up staying up the whole night and starting another day. It sucks. Well in some ways it sucks but as Dr Phil says I must be getting some sort of "payoff" to continue the behavior.

The ways that is sucks is that for one I am not really that product in my time awake. I'll maybe get some shows watched, or putz around on the internet, or read but nothing that is really income generating or happiness generating for myself. Also because then I am on the opposite schedule of the rest of humanity and I don't get personal errands accomplished and visiting times in with friends, etc.

The ways that I enjoy it is, in some sick sense, I get a sense of accomplishment by "beating the clock" so to speak and staying up all night. I feel like I am in on some big secret that other people aren't by being awake. And in some ways I don't want to go to bed cuz I feel like I am "giving up on the day". It's bizarre. It's also a very vicious cycle because if I stay up late like say 7am, then sleep until like 3pm then I don't feel tired at a normal hour such as 10pm...see what I'm saying?

My psychiatrist gave me sleeping pills and told me to take one or two at like 9pm every night so that it makes me sleepy and forces me to bed. So the first night I took two and viola, up at 5:30am and off to the swimming pool. But I wasn't consistent with my sleeping pills and habits and I am back to square zero again only a couple weeks later. I've even set my cell phone to ring at certain times of the day so that I'll have a reminder to take them, but I just resist.

I've gotten countless lectures on how I am damaging my body with my erratic (sp?) sleep behavior but I don't think I've ever done well with critcism. My therapist (who was amazing) is on mat leave right now so I'm just now sure how to work through this hurdle.

I read a great book recently and the author's advice was "just do it"...I'm sure there is boundless wisdom in that.

With that being said it is now 8:10am, I haven't been to sleep yet, but my bed is calling. Adios.

Business Blog

Ladies & Gents,

I know it seems a little silly to start another blog when I barely maintain this one, however I was reading on http://www.salesdivas.com/ (an excellent marketing source by the way) that you should offer a few "free" services to enhance your business and stay in the forefront of customers minds. So I started http://spa4yoursoul.wordpress.com/ (hmmm, maybe a website faux pas to mention other blogger sites on a blog site??). Add it to your bookmarks because it will be filled with tips, quotes, book recommendations, jokes, etc that nourish your soul. I will try not to be too repetitive between what I post on that one & this one but some crossover may happen.

However, for those of you who enjoy my rants, raves and drama/comedy (dramedy) stories on a personal level, those will remain on this site as I don't advertise this one to "clients".

Ciao for now,

Your Fun & Funny Spa Diva

Crystal

Tut's Universe

If you do only one thing today, go to http://www.tut.com/ and sign up for the daily "note from the universe". The notes are inspiration, profound and leave you feeling just a little bit more loved! Upon sign up you can take this oath that's is so positive. I am very tempted to retype the whole thing but I will only quote one sentence "thoughts become dreams, dreams come true and all things remain forever possible." Doesn't that just make your spine tingle & put a smile on your face? A reminder that anything you can dream can be yours. I love it & it totally fits in with the positive path I have been trying to walk down for the last year or so.

Question to Ponder...

What advice would you give your 5-years-younger self?

(check comments for my answer!)

Oh and for those of you who like "So You Think You Can Dance..." would any of you be interested in purchasing some US concert tickets when they go on tour? We could make a trip out of it!!

Smiles

I love, love, love that I posted my first blog in like 6 weeks last night and I had 2 comments on it already by lunch! You guys are great!!

Miscellaneous

It has been AGES since I've written a blog. I've had tons of ideas but haven't been disciplined enough to sit down and write. Here's a few tid bits to tie y'all over:

1) I was born Sept 23 which is considered on the "cusp" of the astrological signs Virgo & Libra. Thus I tend to display some characteristics of both signs, though since the moon was in Libra the date/time/year I was born I consider myself a Libra about 99%...here's a description of the signs from a not-so-recent email:

VIRGO - The Perfectionist (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - Dominant In relationships.
Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very
smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to
talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy.
Pessimistic.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal.
Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous.
Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily.
Procrastinators. Very gullible.

So which one do you think I fit into more?

2) On one of my many car rides recently I came to the conclusion that commericals on TV are so powerful they can dominate associations. What I mean by this is that, when a commerical uses a song for instance, to advertise their product, it is forever burned in our brains to associate that song with that commerical. Some examples:

More than a Feeling - Boston for Boston Pizza

Choo Choo Boogie (a.k.a. Chew Chew) for Trident

3) I'm not sure why but I came up with the following scenerio...sort of a "what would you do" hypothetical.

Situation: man & woman are trying to have a baby. Along the way the woman unfortunately gets raped. She finds out she is pregnant some time after. It's possible that the baby is fathered either by her spouse or her rapist. Would you,

a) decide to keep the baby?

b) if keeping the baby, do a paternity test to determine the biological father?

So like I said, very bizarre thought process and I can't remember what triggered it but I thought it posed an interesting blog topic!

4) Hmm, well that's about it for now. Just wanted to let you know that I am alive & well and hope to begin contributing to my blog on a regular basis (at least weekly) soon...

P.S. I am still in love with "Dexter"...I am currently watching season two on tv and awaiting the dvd release in august or september. Season three begins in september but i don't know if i have the right channel for it :-(

P.P.S. The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger's famous movie project is released this Friday. I can't wait!

P.P.P.S. Step Up 2 was released on DVD today & I bought it along with Step Up 1...loves it...and totally loves "So You Think You Can Dance 4"